Amma na nenapu

 Eons of evolutionary years ,has put mother into a godly status,known for instinctively protecting child,feeding,mending,cultivating habits,punishing,caring,loving unconditionally, ultimate goal for a mother is happy child,settled and having accomplished all pursuits dharma,kama,artha,moksha.

Mother child relationship is one of the most admirable plays of divine present in nature,if at all he is directing the play.Cord connection is universal cut across nations,animals,birds. 

Nowadays social media has been a platform showcasing falseego,strengths,accomplishments, I dwelve deep,  take privilege to share melodrama of my mother story,cause she is more than any divine I am able perceive at this moment,with all the senses.

Nanna Amma,she started of her childhood with a negligent father who had deserted his 1st wife for her hearing impairment.Brought up by resilient deaf mother,supported by maternal uncles was intelligent thimakka who was destined to drop from school not for failing,but for menstruating.Yes ,her menarche brought halt to her education,dictum those days for girl children of rural hinterland. This thimakka,was burden ofcourse to few,they wanted to see her off the house ,get married and raise children.

Luckily she found her man, at age of 21,he was my dad who had lost his 1st wife to cancer. He was state cadre official,forced by his parents to seek a second marraige to raise children,take care of him.Age difference was apparent,but father took care of my amma very well till he was alive. Silent ,innocent thimakka became Thejavathi,wife of Lakshmaiah,tahasildar.,a powerful post in 1980's. She was tutored,trained,to manage daily chores. After her marraige in 1985,I was born,subsequently my younger brother 3 years later. She was everything in home,manager,cook,caretaker of villagers who visit Bangalore very often to seek help of my father ,a first generation accomplished person settled in city those days.

She is stepmom to my step brothers and sisters,mother to me and younger brother.Roles she head were confusing and taxing.Decades she ran show,I was very attached to my mother,because my father was always on the move going to new places alone after transfers ,who used to visit us fortnightly. Tenacity of withstanding changes after marraige made her more resilient,stronger,wiser,streetsmart. A classical second wife dilemma throughout,struggle for existence,struggle to carve best prospects for her children,struggle to withstand verbal blows from in laws. Her life was most strenuous, she was morally courageous lady ,who like any other god fearing indian,dint dare to eat or drink her ista deva,Lord Venkateshwara of Tirumala is worshipped on every Saturday's till she was consious and active. She was a fighter with belief of lord of seven hills always on her side.

She was straightforward,honest. Self moulded persona was full of compassion, caring.She became a widow at her 38 yrs of age,single handedly taking care of everything till her last moments of consious life. She was hammered after one after blows in life,but stood grounded to do her karma seeking refuge in her diety venkatesha. Despite many difficulties in our early life,she dint want us to stand low in front of anyone,to keep my dads status n legacy. She learnt skills of chitfunds to support family financially. She had been doing chitfund for decades with great faith and goodwill. Any hurdles a phone call was enough to bring in lakhs of rupees, such was her network.She had confessed she started doing chits for financial      Independence,when many of my father relatives used to treat her badly. Through this chits she use to pursue labourers,maids of our house to save money via monthly payments and would intervene to see to it they get huge sums when needed for their difficulties. She was having class as well as mass,in her members,only to lift the women who are struggling for sustenance,to create assets.When I look back, I see happily settled maids, n their children,who took help of money pooled for marraige ,education,health expenditure. I had to intervene to stop this small informal businessin 2017 to keep her off the tensions of time timely collection,and cunning cheaters in between. And this part time activity of her was source for my stay in medical school,many settled wellwishers education.Her purse was always full,but her hand was also always giving,never hoarded. 

She used to cry for neighbour's misery,friends family issues,maid servants hardships,she used to try to help anyone who came to her with what she had . She was giver,recently came to know she used to secretly help a neighbour's cook who was thrown out for her dementia,monthly small financial help she used to give for her sustenance. Her compassion  had not limits,I still can't fathom her widened vision of inclusion of acquaintances to her care.

No one has escaped the feeding hand of my mother who has come home, meals were cooked with loads of love and affection. She is remembered by not one, many for the food she served to hungry. Miss her delicious recipe of avarekal mutton curry,thatte idli,Mossapu ragi mudde,folded paratha, leg piece dry,keema under curry. U name a close friend of mine,they have a story of my amma culinary taste. I remember her carrying meals in box to my village relatives who were studying ,carry boxes to people who have lost loved ones,carry box to hospitals to feed hungry attenders of any ill relatives n friends.For her feeding people was expression of love she showed to them through food. She was a ever cooking,ever serving annapoorneshwari.Her energy to cook and serve was unexplainable.

She was great in match making, used to convene marriages,by rightly suggesting the contacts she knew,by her mental prophecy of perfect matching.But this was very close to her heart, done without expectation,but many brokers used to steal her contacts to make some money .Because she is widow,her help was only through phone calls not getting into auspicious talks of give and takes or dreaded disease of society,dowry. Often telling I have shown the people,its upto parents ,to talk settle scores for eligible couple.Many are happily married. Her phone calls also had space for intervtion of falling families,breaking marriages,make peace among fighting children for properties. 

Though she had few friends, her close friends are for decades,they were everything for her,even for us they are not aunts but are part of my mother. The affluent ladies were shaken by wrenching stories of hardships my mom endured. Support system of my mother are super pillars for myself and brothers support in social life.She also had debts to fuel our education and smooth growing ,all of which cleared very recently by selling her site which was kept safely till last year of her life,earned by her enterprising spirit and fathers savings back then.With that she also bought me a new house in one of best residential area of mysuru, spent for my younger brother wedding, so that we live on happily thereafter.But the one above is heartless i suppose,she dint live much longer to lead a peaceful retired life of hardships.Looking back last one year,lot of changes happened,she wished n prayed for settling of property of ancestral origin,marraige of my younger brother, buying a shelter for me,clearing of interest free long debts,training my younger brother wife to carry on legacy at 240,our home in bangalore in years to come.

Due to striking of catastrophe on dec 6th ,2020 she suffered a huge brain bleed,after which she is in persistent vegetative state showing small signs of recovery on n off. Again on Feb 6th she had rebleed dashing of our Hope's eternally inching slowly towards the death door.May be she wants me to grow in more emotionally and mentally,tougher to withstand the vagaries of Director of the play we all are positioned in. Her slow march to death ,is not looking painful for me,she is warm to touch, no sores or infection of skin despite bed ridden for 2 months. Period of grief we went through during this time is painful, giving enough time to have Hope's and not to have hope of her getting back to functional level ,enough time to mull over the impermanence of life,enough to seek help from almighty to accept the reality,he has given enough time to sentimental brothers to accept her one good bye from her side for being on this planet.

Whatever I am, my friends speak  about me,or the perception of goodness of me by my life partner,my subordinates perception  of my administration, or the rightful life I aim to lead till i am alive I owe to u amma.U made me more humane,grounded and rooted.

Friends as i stand  by her side in icu,holding her hand ,floods of memories rush through,hearing my mothers last talk to me, " Baro nanu ninage ondu shirt kodsthini,nina huttidahabbake"- which was on dec 9th.,realizing that it did not happen,as i pat her arm,again to realise this is where my head rested to dissolve all the questions of life,spending hours since my birth.Her wish was to get hair tonsured in Tirumala after some of her personal wish fullfilled dint happen,but it happened in hospital where underwent craniectomy for decompression.And the last thing she took orally  by herself was Ladoo from tirumala.

Life gives ,life takes, I'm stoic ,with profound calmness to embrace what comes ahead,till the role of the play ,I am made to don by life.I pray to her beloved lordVenkatesha to give eternal peace and liberation. At present she is on ventilator almost brain dead,but her heart thumping to proclaim that "She is a fighter with Indomitable spirit"